Responding to bullying

Breaking silence to affirm a child's—a human's—worth

On a recent tour that I shadowed for my St. Louis Art Museum docent training, one student was bullied by three others. It impacted her enough that she was crying.

A fellow trainee noticed it, and confided their concern to me. After we chatted about it, I decided I needed to check in with the student. Here's the conversation we had.

Veronica: [walking next to student as the group walked to the end of the tour]

V: Hey, checking in on you

Student: [Quiet]

V [after waiting a moment]: You are important.

S: [Quiet]

V: You don’t need to put up with anything you don’t like. You can just walk away.

S: [Told me the story of what had happened.]

V: That’s terrible.

S: [Quiet]

V: You can go to a grown up to help. If they don’t help you, find a grown up who will.

S: [Quietly nodding]

Veronica: [Slowed my pace, and she continued with the class]

I ended the way I did because it felt like the conversation was over. A few moments later, I noticed that when the group went into the cafe, she was the first to have decided on what she wanted, already at the checkout spot.

Part of the reason I started the conversation the way I did was because I didn’t know exactly what had happened, only the result—the child crying. But I now think that even if I did see what happened, I’d probably approach it the same way. It made space for her, without putting pressure on her to share anything we me—a relative stranger.

I was especially motivated to talk with the student myself because of her teacher’s reaction: “It’s just the boys liking her.” To me, there is no good reason for bullying, and boys’ misbehavior described as admiration is an especially dangerous reason.

What I did is one of the “Ds” of bystander intervention: Delay. The idea is to help the person who is harassed by affirming that what they experienced is not ok.

From my own childhood, I know that even one moment witnessing or interacting with a compassionate adult can change a child’s worldview. I was a little nervous going into the conversation with the student, but I was determined that I wouldn't let silence imply approval of the bullies’ behavior and her hurt.

When I shared this story with my fellow docent trainees, one parent shared with me that their own child had experienced bullying at school—and the parent only found out when they chaperoned a field trip and witnessed it themself. They told me, “I know that as a mom I wish someone would have noticed the treatment of my kid long before then and intervened.”

Intervening is a skill, and one that takes time and dedication to feel (mostly) comfortable doing. In this incident, I had some practical experience that helped me feel ready to connect with the student—I am a parent who regularly affirms my kid’s right to be himself, and I have connected with many colleagues and friends over behavior that simply isn’t acceptable.

I think it’s a personal decision how we respond to incidents like this. For me, I prefer to take imperfect action and to show kids (and every human) that they are important. Leading tours at the Art Museum, I have an opportunity and just as much responsibility to take care of students as their teachers and caregivers do.

GSP Update: Planning a research event for Grinnell students

In April, I’m headed to my alma mater (and that of the Grinnell Students for Peace) to present at their "Learning from Alumni" class. It’s a one credit class where an alumna or alumnus comes each week to present about their career and life path—so students can get ideas for where their life might go after Grinnell.

I'm excited to present my own path, as well as the decision points where something may have gone completely differently. I’m also planning to use some of the analysis of student childhoods that I’m using for the Grinnell Students for Peace to shape how I talk about my own background. I can’t help making it meta, of course.

Besides the talk, I’m also planning an event where students can help me dig into archival student newspapers at other schools. I have around a hundred to look through, so I’m hoping that students might be excited and willing to do some of the sleuthing for me. Plus I’ll provide snacks for motivation, of course.

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Mentioned in this issue: Bystander intervention.